Do I Have To Be A Bitch Get A Man To Respect (And Love) Me?

Dear E. Jean: I’m strong and independent at work. But in matters of the heart, I’m soft and sensitive, and because of it, men treat me in ways that are less than respectful. So are my girlfriends right? Will no guy ever come along who will love me for my sensitive self without taking advantage of me? Must I be a bitch in order for a man to respect and love me? —Truly Confused

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Miss Truly, My Turnip: Just do the “strong and independent” things to the dudes that you do to the people at work, and the dudes will “respect and love” you.

If you were only “soft and sensitive”? Please. You’d be the sweetest, simplest, soggiest Miss Truly to make an appearance in Auntie Eeee’s column this year. A b–ch (the word is so dynamic and holy, I dare not write it) is, after all, just a female who has enough authority to make people do what she wants them to do.

P.S. In case you’re not aware exactly what is making you appear so “strong and independent,” at StartX they teach us “charisma.” I refuse to attend the Charisma office hours because I am just about as Charismatic as I can stand. But I’ve been using the time to observe the poise, stature, etc., of some of the most powerful mortals in Silicon Valley. Here are the Eight Commandments of Authority (Body Language Edition) that leaders appear to follow:

1. Do not touch your face when you’re talking.

2. Do not play with your hair.

3. Do not stand with your toes turned in.

4. Do not open your mouth unless you’re able to utter a complete sentence.

5. Do not smile constantly in agreement.

6. Do not nod yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

7. Do not hunch, scrunch, or shrink.

8. Do not forget to moisturize the thick skin you are growing.

Good luck, darling!

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at

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