Questions I Have for Paris Hilton’s Engagement Ring


Congratulations, Paris Hilton! You announced in an exclusive People.com post and on your own Instagram that you are betrothed to be wed, and your ring is so enormous it fulfills the promise of your 2006 smash hit, “Stars Are Blind.” Really, I am incapacitated!

In the meantime, the heartiest mazel tov to you and your fiancé, Chris Zylka, who played Joey Donner in 10 Things I Hate about You, the TV series. We wish you both endless happiness and a quilt-sized version of those microfiber cloths that I think people use to clean diamonds. You deserve it.

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But Paris, there’s still so much I don’t understand, so much I don’t know. So much that the eloquent sequence of emojis in your Instagram hasn’t addressed. And so I’d like a few moments of you and/or your massive rock’s time. I have queries.

First, is Paris Hilton’s diamond one of the territories or has it applied for U.S. statehood? Because get in line, Paris Hilton’s diamond.

But also, what’s the capital of Paris Hilton’s diamond? How many representatives will Paris Hilton’s diamond have in Congress? Do the inhabitants of Paris Hilton’s diamond vote Republican or Democrat?

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When Chris got down on one knee and proposed, did Paris plant a flag on her rock? Did she publish her discoveries in any peer-reviewed journals? I’m no scientist, but I do respect the process.

Will Paris need to do special exercises to rebalance her gait now that she has to tote around this dumbbell? (To be clear, I mean the rock. Not Chris.)

Universal Pictures

What’s the neighborhood like on Paris Hilton’s diamond? Good schools? Nice parks? How’s the WiFi? Please tell me Paris Hilton’s diamond gets Verizon FiOS, because I cannot with Spectrum.

Who is president on Paris Hilton’s diamond? Same as ours? Rats. Well, but does Paris Hilton’s diamond have health insurance? What are its premiums?

Is Paris Hilton’s diamond rent-stabilized? Are heat and hot water included? Can Peter Thiel live on it when the world becomes uninhabitable? Can I?

I can? So generous, Paris! Thank you, Chris Zylka! Really, an upgrade in every way for me. This place is bigger than my studio.



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