All the Secret Things the Senate Graciously Snuck Into the Tax Bill


Disgruntled Americans, you are being super rude about this very nice tax plan that the Senate rushed through in a very narrow vote last week and we need to talk. What is so hard to get about the fact that people with private jets shouldn’t have to pay taxes on them? You know who has a private jet? Wonder Woman. Should Wonder Woman pay a tax on her invisible jet, America? Is that fair? Where would you even send the bill? Think about that, America.

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Everyone’s saying things like “This new tax code will make me poor” and “Literally no one wants this except Mr. Monopoly,” which seems inconsiderate. Half of the Senate and some very hard-working lobbyists worked very hard on this for, like, a day and this is how we repay them? Talk about an ungrateful nation.

They did this for you, America. Of course they voted on it in the middle of the night! They didn’t want to wake you! And of course they scribbled in last minute changes in the margins; everybody likes a handwritten note. America, you’re so obsessed with your emojis and your IKEA furniture in Animal Crossing that you don’t even appreciate it when a Senator takes the time to write “Screw you” with their own pen.

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Don’t you know all of the best things happen under the duplicitous shroud of secrecy in the middle of the night?

America, what don’t you get? Nobody likes taxes. We got rid of them. Yeah, that included a whole bunch of deductions that you could probably use to keep your family financially solvent but sorry about it. You should have been more specific. Anyway, mission accomplished. You’re welcome and Merry Christmas!

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Yeah, the tax bill includes a bunch of sneaky provisions like one that removes the Affordable Care Act mandate, one that allows more oil and gas drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve, and one that defines life as starting at conception. So? Who doesn’t like surprises? When you go to Taco Bell and they slip an extra chalupa in the bag, do you complain? No. Why the double standard, America?

Also, why are you mad about losing the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve? Have you even been there? Super boring. One star on Yelp, actually. No hotels at all. America should be thanking the Senate for imperiling that place.

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In fact, there’s so much more that America should be thanking the Senate for. Everyone’s talking about all these “controversial” things they graciously snuck into a tax bill and no one is talking about all of the other secret, totally unrelated stuff in there. What’s the deal America? You didn’t have time to read a purposefully obtuse document that is longer and more devastating that A Little Life this weekend? Why not? Too busy golfing?

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There’s a bunch of other stuff that was jammed into this tax bill like guacamole in a Chipotle burrito. (And no, you didn’t even get charged extra for it.) (Actually, yes you did.) For your reference, here’s some highlights. You’re welcome!

  • Fancy new hairdos for all your favorite Senators. Ever wanted to see Mitch McConnell try bangs? You’re in luck!
    • A bunch of new potato chip flavors. You think potato chips that taste like “hot chocolate” or “prime rib and au jus” just happen naturally? No, they require years of research. This new tax bill funds that.
        • Less medicine. Just in general. Many Americans say that medicine is bad. Doctors frequently have bad news and cold hands. The Senate is getting rid of that for you.
          • Cookies for Santa Claus. Our hands are a bit tied here; he’s drastically increased his demands.
              • More commercials on YouTube videos for two-minute movie trailers. Everyone loves those!
                • Hats for penguins. Wouldn’t a penguin look great in a hat? Well, they’re going to get them!
                  • You no longer have to pay for air. Haven’t paid for air in the past? Well, look who’s been living high off the federal dime.
                    • The number five no longer exists. How’s that for reducing government bloat? They got rid of a who digit.
                      • We’re getting about 12 more Spidermen. And six Batmen. All origin stories. It’s gonna be great.
                        • You want Hamilton tickets? Fine! In the new tax bill you’re legally entitled to receive Hamilton tickets. At some point. From someone. Call Lin-Manuel Miranda. Don’t ask the Senate; they have no further information about that.
                          • Funds for a new Death Star. With a slide!

                            Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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