Dear E. Jean: Today I got incredibly mad at my boyfriend when he asked for sexy pics to “tide [him] over” till we see each other tomorrow. It’s not the idea of pictures that got me worked up, but the fact that our sex life has become increasingly about him meeting his desires. I feel like an animated blow-up doll. I want romance! I want a compliment! I want foreplay! I want him to take time! I want him to actually kiss me! The few occasions I’ve broached the subject, he’s rebuffed me in a teasing manner. So now I feel uncomfortable even bringing it up. How do I get him to become conscious of my needs in the bedroom? —This Doll Is About To Blow Up
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About, My Darling: Let’s make a list of what your boyfriend is or is not doing and come up with ways to get him to do the right thing.
1. He can’t end a sentence without asking you for a topless selfie. Tell him you’ll be delighted to show him anything he wishes (and some fascinating things he hasn’t even thought of), but first, he must give you three compliments. Then do not budge until he hails you as the queen of all women.
2. He can’t romance. Haul the tedious blockhead out of the house and go camping, dancing, roller-coaster riding, etc. This will bathe his brain circuits in dopamine and norepinephrine, the very neurotransmitters that cause the butterflies to flit in first love. Hell, just going outside and turning a somersault can flutter the buggers.
3. He can’t kiss. At the next party you both attend, play Kissing Charades: Each couple acts out a famous movie kiss; the couple who gets the most correct guesses wins (and will find the make-out pump is well primed).
4. He doesn’t take his time. Here’s the rule: No wham-bam until he thanks you, ma’am. He must entertain you with fancy caresses for 15 minutes before you even consider taking off your clothes, and every woman knows that keeping her clothes on and rolling around on the bed with a cute person is sometimes sexier than taking her clothes off.
5. Skip numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, and tell him exactly what you think. The dude is not all-powerful. The less seriously you take him, the better. You say you feel “uncomfortable even bringing it up”? You say he “rebuffs” you? Ha! Shout at him! Pelt him with epithets! “You worthless oaf-boy! You self- aggrandizing, bush-league premature ejaculator! Floppo! Dud! Rookie! Bumbler! Botcher of orgasms!” Tell him what you want. “I want long, slow, dirty, life-destroying foreplay, and I’m bored, bored, bored with you!”
This is only half of what you’ll yell when you finally decide you’ve had enough and leave him. But why wait? Why not tell him immediately? Why not recognize that he’s just a fragile, selfish, thoughtless, rather silly fellow who probably doesn’t even know that if you enjoy sex, he’ll enjoy more sex? Why give up years of delicious, teeth-grinding pleasure because you’re afraid to speak up? He can take it. Tell him the truth, straight out.