After listening to a Tony Robbins audiobook one day in Los Angeles about how to be the most extreme version of me, I decided to break the Guinness World Record for Longest Journey By Car In A Single Country, which took 36,123 miles sleeping in my Subaru Outback for 122 days with my girlfriend (at the time). So, believe me when I say that I understand sex in a car can be complicated. And if done incorrectly, that wonderful moment of first-date lust can morph into a three-week foot-cramp. There are many challenges—lumpy backseats, lack of privacy, incompatible clothing and, more dangerously, cops. So how do you do it safely? For the automobile-curious out there, here’s a guide to having road trip sex comfortably, enjoyably, and legally (because yes, you can get arrested).
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Memorize the Most Pleasurable Positions (For the Both of You)
There are ways to make use of the awkward space a car provides. Let’s say you want to do The Blinded Driver position (and yes, I made that name up). This is where there’s one person in the driver’s seat, facing forward, and the other is on their lap, reverse cowgirl-style, also facing forward. Whomever is in the top position should grip that steering wheel and thrust down, using the wheel to sway your hips from side to side while pushing yourself down onto your partner with fire and fury. This is how you can use a seemingly useless and inconvenient car-part to apply extra pressure and steer (sorry) your partner in any direction you want. The bottom partner can make use of the steering wheel as well. Just grab it and pull yourself closer to your partner thrice as hard. The person on top can also place their palms against the roof of the car and push down from the ceiling to switch the direction of pressure!
The same principle applies for the car doors. Whether you’re laying down in the front or back, use the car door to push in from one side and keep the pillows on the other to protect your partner’s head. See where I’m going with this? You’re in a tight space, so make use of the pressure points for better sex! Steering wheel, car doors, ceiling and window (if you’re on your stomach).
Are you getting tired of having sex in the car? Because you can also have sex on the car. Utilize the trunk! Just pop the back, lay your towels down over your luggage, cover the towels with your blanket, cozy it up with the pillows, and bend over. You’ll use the popped trunk to hide yourself from view, and whoever’s doing the fucking, you can even use the hinge of your trunk door or the trunk door itself as a bedframe to pull yourself in as far inside as possible, but be careful not to injure yourselves.
Avoid Tinted Windows
Every state has a limit on the amount of tint you’re allowed to have on your windows. So, if you plan on driving through multiple states, some don’t allow for any tint at all and you’re sure to get pulled over. Even if you don’t get pulled over, you’ll simply stand out far too much when parked. If a cop happens to roll by the deserted desert road off Highway 50 while you’re positioning yourself for higher living, you’ll still be half-naked when you get that tap on the passenger-side window. Ideally, use a car with NO tints, or if you do have tints, know your state tint-limits so you know which states are sex-safe zones.
You’ll still need privacy, so get some Velcro and some fabric from your local arts and crafts store. Cut up rectangular slabs that match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off. It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain. Now, whenever you’ve found a safe spot, attach your curtains with the Velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah is done, rip those curtains off and get out of there.
Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off.
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Utilize Natural Barriers
There are generally big piles of gravel and sand and cement every hundred or so miles off the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven by them ten million times and never cared to wonder what they might have to offer. These make great barriers and will hide you from view without drawing any attention. Nobody will even see your car, so you can always pull off and bang behind the sand.