Last week, Beyoncé unveiled her latest heirs, the twins Sir and Rumi Carter, on Instagram. Unsurprisingly, those of us who respect excellence marveled at the stunning photo, which featured Beyoncé wearing an outfit from the menswear line Palomo Spain. True to form, though, Beytheists—the troubled souls who choose to seethe at, instead of glory in, Beyoncé’s splendor—took to social media to try to spoil our fun.
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It’s not the first time that’s happened. The script never changes, with each Beytheist offering some variation of the sentiment “She ain’t all that!” Spoiler alert: Yes, she is. And per the national order, those who tweeted their displeasure at Beyoncé’s Insta quickly started complaining about being attacked by Beyoncé’s super attentive fan base, the BeyHive.
Of all the fan bases online, the BeyHive has the reputation of being the most intense, quick, and relentless. A photo of Madame Tussaud’s wax sculpture of Beyoncé was quickly seized upon last week for looking nothing like the singer, and more like a white woman. (It’s not the first bad sculpture of Bey that’s come to light, either.) Don’t forget Rachel Roy, who quickly locked her Instagram account after rumors spread that she was Lemonade‘s “Becky with the good hair.”
Many mistakes have been made. But because I am a generous person, the way Beyoncé would want me to be, I’m here to help Beytheists avoid tipping over the Beyhive. (Fact: An errant comment will set Twitter mentions, Facebook and Instagram comments, and Messenger inboxes aflame.) It’s actually not that difficult a feat, but I live in a country that decided to elect Donald Trump for president, and I have to keep in mind that masochism abounds.
For those who might question my expertise, keep in mind the following: I’m a gay Black man from Houston, Texas who has been on the internet for nearly 20 years. I was cursing out people over Beyoncé on message boards back when LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson left Destiny’s Child. I’ve grown as a person since then, but I’d still advise you never to speak ill of Bey in my presence all the same.
Now, here goes. You’re welcome.
1. Remember: Don’t start none, won’t be none.
If you have a negative thought about Beyoncé, pause a second. Are you sure you want to express that thought on a public forum? It’s not that Beyoncé is above criticism (although what has she done wrong since the first half of I Am…Sasha Fierce?). But Beytheists tend to even take happy moments like her pregnancy reveal or the debut photo of her newborn twins to make critical comments. Recently, one hapless person declared Beyoncé to be a narcissist on Twitter. The BeyHive proceeded to call her everything but a child of God, which I don’t condone, but at the same time, what did she think was going to happen?
If you have a negative thought about Beyoncé, here’s what you should do. Instead of tweeting it, write it down on a piece of paper, and then set that paper on fire. Yes, you do have a right to your opinion, but at the same time, let people like things! When you see folks virtually celebrating together, that’s really not the time for a grand display of contrarianism.
2. If you choose to ignore step one, you should say you were hacked.
If you somehow bypassed (or ignored) step 1, just say the Russians hacked your account. Hell, if you told the BeyHive that Putin hates Beyoncé, his head would probably be made into Blue Ivy’s kickball, TBH.
3. Try to apologize, but don’t expect that to be the solution.
By now, your mentions will be full of fire reminiscent of the seventh circle of hell. You can try to apologize, but that will likely only reduce the suffering by a few hours—Beyoncé’s fans live in every single timezone, which means means the cuss-outs may be staggered according to location.
4. Don’t cry victim.
Do not ask why people are flooding your mentions with the bee emoji. You will only make it worse. You did this to yourself, beloved.
5. Lock your social media accounts and change your name.
It’s the only way. Hopefully, some other fool will make the same mistake as you and the mob will turn its attention elsewhere. Then, maybe you can slink back to your old spots. If not, you could also consider abandoning social media altogether and finding penpals, if that’s a still a thing.
6. Realize you were wrong all along and become a Beyoncé stan.
You should have been one from the beginning anyway. It’s Beyoncé. What is there not to praise and worship?