Making Snap Judgements on the New Bachelorette Contestants

In anticipation of Monday’s premiere of season 13 of The Bachelorette, featuring lawyer Rachel Lindsay, ABC has released the names and photos of all of suitors. The first black lead on the long-running reality series will have to find the love of her life from a markedly more racially diverse but still very square-jawed pool of 24 men. As the ancient scrolls demand, each suitor will emerge from a black car and try their best to creatively catch Rachel’s attention without coming off as a sociopath. If history is any indication, many of them will fail in this respect.

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Before the romantic spectacle begins, let’s take a look at the cast and make some snap judgements based on nothing but their names, faces and professions.

Literally the squarest jaw you will ever see:

Bryce, 30, a firefighter from Orlando, FL


Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto. Bryce’s jawbones could cut glass and it’s jarring. Honestly, I am unsure how Bryce, a firefighter, gets his shirts on in the morning. Rachel should definitely pick him, if for no other reason than he looks like a hot, human SpongeBob Squarepants.

Questionable employment:

Blake E., 31, an aspiring drummer from Marina del Rey, CA


Lucas, 30, a ‘whaboom’ from Santa Monica, CA


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Unemployment may be way down (thanks a lot, Obama) but these two guys have some dubious entries on their LinkedIn profiles. I’m perplexed by Blake E.’s use of the word “aspiring.” I mean, if you’re drumming, you’re a drummer. “Do or do not, there is no try.” (That’s a quote from Yoda, a contestant on Bachelorette season 7.) Reach for the stars, Blake E.! And then there’s Lucas, who when asked what he did for a living did not understand the question and would not respond to it. I don’t know what a whaboom is but it sounds like nonsense and I won’t have it.

This is actually a job:

Kenny, 35, a professional wrestler from Las Vegas, NV


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