How many controversies can this once-great nation withstand? Why aren’t we in the streets, railing against injustice right now?! How do these things keep happening? I bet you thought we’d still be talking about James Comey this week, but jokes on you—there’s a new scandal afoot and it’s a doozy. It’s a romper for men and it’s called the RompHim and our country is crumbling.
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Why isn’t the president tweeting about this? That’s the real question. Why isn’t he whispering about this neologic disaster into Kisylak’s ear for “humanitarian reasons”?
Look, I have no problem with men in romper. I am a huge fan of the thigh. More thighs, please! Wear short shorts sewn into your shirt shirt every day for all I care (although many women friends have pointed out that when you want to use the restroom in a romper you have to get 100% naked in the stall so, you know, think about that bro). But I will not allow anyone to make up a new name for this, especially one as etymologically inconsistent as a RompHim. A romper has no gender, friendo! It’s not a rompHER, it’s a Romp-er. Or perhaps a Romp-ur. The Ur-Romp. You can romp in it no matter what’s in your undercarriage.
I don’t have time to be learning new words like this. I’m trying to finish my DuoLingo program in Russian so I can read the ballots at our next election.
Again, rompers are super cute. You want to wear a romper, do you. But don’t you dare call it a RompHim. The Kickstarter for the project has raised $46,000 over two days because our country loves to be duped! The campaign says that the designers were “sitting around drinking beers one night talking about men’s clothing options out there.”
That is a lie. I will not stand for this.
Just hanging out, crushing a couple of Miller High Lifes, contemplating why romper’s don’t have zipper flies? Is that really your final answer or is this like the answer that Spicer gives which is blatantly untrue and will subsequently be undermined by a 7 a.m. tweet?
The zipper fly, by the way, is the big difference between a romper and a RompHim. That’s what they’re selling here: improved accommodations for a penis.
If that isn’t a metaphor for society, I don’t know what is.
Bottom line: I am here for male-identified people in rompers. But if you need to change the name to make it not feel weird, I’m going to need you to first hire Tim Robbins to Shawshank you out of that prison of masculinity. Women can’t get access to basic healthcare and contraceptives but you need to make up a word to buy clothing that already exists because you’re terrified of feminization? Not on my watch. And if you think these two are wildly unrelated, you’re not paying attention.
The RompHim is exhausting. It’s the Unicorn Frappuccino of this week. Is that how we’ll measure scandals now? By which Unicorn Frappuccino we were dealing with that week?
How far will we go with this? Buns became manbuns because we needed to know how many chromosomes the hair had in it. Purses slowly became murses or manbags because dudes are too fragile to admit that having a sack to throw a bunch of stuff into that you’ll never, ever be able to find is really handy. Waxing and shaving below the neck became manscaping, An evening gown became a Stevening gown. Tampons became dude sponges! What are you even going to do with a dude sponge, friend?
Nothing, that’s what. Call a thing what it is with pride, friend. Don’t let ingrained misogyny force you to learn a new language. Wear that romper, no matter what your gender identity! Tie up your bun with a scrunchie, grab a purse to put your High Life and your Coachella tickets in and move on with your day.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.